Being depressed was hard.
My first episode started right after my son was born in 2006. Postpartum depression is a real thing people! I remember feeling empty and sad most of the time. I loved my baby but it was hard to function for him and do everything he needed of me. It was a strange time to go through but eventually, I got through it.
Years passed but being a homemaker, mother, wife, fulltime employee and student all at once had taken a toll. If you know me, I am a perfectionist... so not being able to handle everything I was faced with, was difficult to admit. And even more difficult to figure out what to do. Feelings of sadness, low energy levels, and lack of concentration were clearly evident. Although my depression was not as profound as it previously was in previous years, it had certainly returned.
To add to this, the relationships in my life were changing as well.
Months earlier, I had begun praying this simple prayer: "God, please allow those that should be in my life to remain here and please remove those that should have only been here for a season or mean me more harm than good. Amen."
In early 2016, I started to see weird behaviors from girlfriends that were closest to me. I tried to justify their behaviors with excuses... allowing grace. Then, I realized that no one was allowing that same grace to me lol.
I realized that I was inevitably about to lose these close friendships.
I started to realize that maybe it wasn't such a bad thing though. After all, once I thought about it, I had lost friends before as a child/teenager, and not to down play the friendships we had, but I knew I could get through this as I did before.
I began to understand that sometimes losing people is a blessing. It often allows room for better relationships, gives us a new perspective, allows more time to focus on ourselves and to nurture the relationships that truly matter.
I stopped stressing the fact that these relationships were ending and started concentrating on the relationships I still had with people that I thought really cared for me.
But God wasn't through yet....
It was 2015 when I started noticing that my weight was rising AND just how much I was putting into relationships while getting nothing, even close, back from them.
Before my son was born, I never weighed more than 120 pounds, but here I was clearly approaching 225! I never had a real issue with food, so I knew the weight gain had more to do with the anxiety and depression I was feeling and the affects of that.
Because I was in a 'functioning depressive' state, I was still able to go out into the world and get things done but I was miserable on the inside. I was still able to hold down a fairly new job, continue with college courses, and be the best mother I could be but being this depressed made me feel lazy--so much so I barely did anything other than lay around most days. That is, until my girlfriends wanted to do things. Those times were when I felt the happiest!
At least for awhile...
I was never extremely close with any one person in my family. My family is very large—particularly, my mother’s side. My mother was a half-sibling to all of her sisters and brothers. She had some on her mom’s side and just as many on her father’s side. Add those aunts, uncles, and their kids, along with those on my dad’s side, and, well... as I said, my family is huge!😜 I have three first cousins that I have always enjoyed spending time with, yet still, neither of these relationships have been extremely close. Because of this, I always drifted more towards the friendships that I established outside of my family.
I have always been a friendly person so making friends was never an issue. Keeping them or letting them go was always the drama...
I tried to hang on to fake friends that loved me when it was just convenient for them or whenever I did whatever they wanted me to do....and close friends that I knew were negatively talking about me, and the follower friends that always had my back—that is, until they saw the opportunity to backstab me for their own gain and, finally, the best friends that loved me until jealousy took over or until I began to tell them no and started questioning their character. I also tried to hang on to some family members that, not only judged me, but also were unsupportive and persecuted me for being someone other than what they expected me to be.
Seems like over the years, my naivety allowed me to see ONLY the good in people, and loyalty had pushed me to continue to hang onto these toxic family and “friends” that were not good for me.
I do not know how much you know about astrology but I'll start by just saying that I am a full blown Aquarius!
If you've read it about an Aquarius, nine times out of ten, the statement is probably true about me lol.
That means, I love to be around people just as much as I love to be alone. It means, I am emotional but most people never see that side (and quite often assume it doesn't exist). It means that I never try to read someone's mind or guess at what a person means. It is my expectation that an adult can/will explain what they want me to know or need from me. It means I am logical. I am always analyzing. And I mean what I say. I care for humanity. I am nonjudgmental. I am gracious. And when presented with someone else's feelings, I am sensitive and caring. However, I am aware that I can also be impatient, aloof (in/with questionable situations and people), carefree (which I've heard comes across as unconcerned sometimes), and unpredictable.
Because I'm aware of my gifts and weaknesses, I’ve always tried to view people with an open heart.💛 Attempting to keep, what I call, 'God’s blueprint'--I love everyone and allow everyone the same grace that I would want shown to me.
But as we all have had happen... people try to take advantage of what you give.
So by spring 2015, I had began praying a simple prayer. 🙏🏾 “God, please allow those that should be in my life to remain here and please remove those that should have only been here for a season or mean me more harm than good. Amen.”
I said this prayer daily for several months and then, in 2016... my relationships really began to shift....
Hi All! Welcome to my first post!! I’m so excited to start sharing this blog with you!! 💥 I have always loved writing so here I am! Yay! 😃
I decided to start this blog for a few reasons. First, I wanted to challenge myself to tell my own personal story and journey to reinvention. Secondly, I wanted to be able to share some of my answers to many of the questions I often get from my clients. And lastly, I wanted to really help people understand the process of reinventing oneself, while also providing resources and guides to help those that want to begin their own journey.
My life has taken me through so many twists, turns, traumas and tests, that I’ve felt like I had only one choice—to share my experiences, with the hope of helping others. These trials,😔 include, the loss and grieving of a parent, loss of friendships, moments of sexual abuse, family and relationship issues, evolutions in my career, stability changes, and overall spiritual and personal growth. These challenges prompted me to look inside myself to see exactly who I am and decide where I wanted to go.
Ultimately, I decided to focus on me 🤗 and make a daily effort to reach every personal, career and spiritual goal, wish and dream that I have! I decided for once, that I would get free, be authentically me and become the priority!
What I know to be true is that, we all want to be as good as we can be, at what makes us who we authentically are. So if you are struggling right now, feeling unlike yourself or stuck, living a life that others say you should be living, or living a life not true to who you are now, wanting more out of life but afraid of making any change... believe me, I understand! 🙏🏾 I’ve been there.
I am so excited to get us started on this new adventure! Get ready, get set, let’s B’Brave and let’s do this! 👍
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Hi All!! My name is Buena Williams. Born and raised in North Carolina by two loving parents. I have only one brother and a host of other family members. I am a Certified Life Coach, currently pursuing also, a masters degree in professional counseling at Liberty University. In addition to life coaching and going to school full-time, I am also a Mental Health Advocate. In this role, I assist people with all their mental health concerns, ranging from benefits and claims, to locating the right level of care, including counseling, facility based care, or behavioral therapy. I am also the founder of the QUEENingMovement, an organization that offers support, encouragement and advocacy for the growth and achievement of women. Last but not least, I am the mother of a teenage son, whom I play basketball mom and mom-ager to his recent modeling career.
I enjoy learning, crafting, fashion, music, board games, and yoga. I am very much an ambivert, so where I love interacting with people, I equally enjoy having my personal alone time.
My personal statement: Own your story, be authentic and love yourself through it all.
My personal goal: To be the brave woman that I needed to know as a girl.
My favorite quote: Be stronger than your excuse.